Online Exploits
by starvingartist83
Summary: Megamind seeks to give himself an education.


Ok I had this idea the other night. Just a short and sweet one, hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Megamind. But my son does. He got him with his Happy Meal, along with the big battle suit

Megamind sat staring blankly at the screen in front of him, baffled. His IQ was beyond measure. He held the equivalent knowledge to several degrees in science, mathematics and biology from the best universities in the country (and one honorary degree awarded to him by the dictator of a small regime halfway across the world). There was virtually nothing this supervillain-turned-superhero could not understand given enough time and resources. And so, he set about teaching himself about human intimacy using the infinite bank of knowledge available to him via the Internet.

And was failing miserably.

Wikipedia (as usual) was a wealth of information on the subject but lacked any sort of practical application, and typing 'human intimacy' into Google did very little to aid his cause. Finally he clicked on a link containing more 'X's' than any grammatically correct publication could possibly contain and promptly fell off his chair.

His brain on overload, he did the first thing that instinctively came to mind. He pulled the computer's plug out of the wall.

Comforted by the sight of the blank screen, Megamind calmed himself down. He thought of his reason for engaging with this madness. Roxanne. It had been almost a year since they had started dating and their nights together still ended with a goodnight kiss and either one of them driving back home alone. It was enough for Megamind. He was ecstatic his long-time nemesis had chosen him to be her boyfriend and as much as part of him longed to take it further, he was happy with things the way they were. Except lately Roxanne had been giving him _those_ looks. She held his hand just a little tighter as he was leaving. Her kisses were just a bit deeper, and lingered longer. He could only play dumb for so long. Sooner or later he was going to have to man up and take this to the next level. The thought both excited and terrified him.

And so with some hesitation he plugged his machine back in and watched as Vista started up, mentally reminding himself to upgrade to Windows 7 as soon as possible. It finished recovering and re-opened the website. Megamind swallowed and entered a credit card number into the awaiting field. It wasn't a real number. Megamind knew on some level this was illegal but considering what he was paying for he couldn't really feel guilty about this.

So many categories. So many things to choose from. He scanned the titles for something familiar and not too scary sounding...Gay! That sounded cheerful. Megamind frowned as the movie started.

"Okay...no problems...this is easy...not weird at all. Just waiting for the female..." he said to himself and rocked casually in his seat. The two figures on the screen looked friendly enough. Oh...they were kissing. Okay. He watched carefully trying to figure out which one was female...he thought he picked one as a very masculine looking female bus still...he watched curiously and made some notes. Suddenly the action got more energetic and Megamind's jaw dropped. "No what are you doing? That doesn't go there...gaaah!" this time he turned off the screen.

"Umm...sir? Is everything okay?" Minion asked from behind him. Megamind jumped.

"Minion! You scared me!" he said.

"Are you watching Paranormal Activity again? I thought we agreed that downloading movies was evil and therefore we have to buy them now." They'd had this conversation when Megamind had caught him downloading the remake of The Poseidon Adventure.

"No nothing like that." Megamind sighed and turned the screen back on. Minion watched the screen and blinked. It sure explained a lot, especially the tight suits and the eyeliner. He cleared his gills.

"Sir, I'm honoured that you came out to me first. How are you going to break it to Roxanne?" he ducked as Megamind threw his empty coffee mug at him.

"No you dim-witted creation of science!" he shouted, face and ears turning purple. He sighed again. "I'm trying to learn about...you know. Intimacy. For Roxanne." Minion nodded sympathetically without any real understanding of the situation. He knew Megamind was a beginner in that area but still couldn't figure out why he was watching gay porn. Minion's kind did things somewhat differently. He pulled up a chair.

"Well why don't we research together?" he asked. Megamind smiled. If it were anyone else it would have been awkward but Minion was truly a fantastic friend.

"Thankyou Minion." He turned back to the screen, somewhat braver now. He clicked on another heading and they watched the following movie in silence. There were two men again but also a woman this time, bleached blonde and somewhat top-heavy. Minion watched, fascinated.

"So he's there...she's there...and he's there...I don't get it. Do you need to find Roxanne a second boyfriend to make it work?"

"Like hell!" Megamind growled. Still, it was odd that human males seemed to mate in pairs. He found another movie with an even more top-heavy female and man who was as bulked-up as Metro Man (now known as Music Man) had been.

"Are they human?" Minion asked curiously. Megamind watched, brow furrowed in concentration.

"It appears to be some sort of silicone-based life form..." he mused, watching the pair do their thing with barely any resulting jiggling of body parts. He watched, feeling a mixture of confusion, dread and morbid curiosity. He was grateful for Minion's silent companionship. The video finished somewhat ingloriously with the male somehow missing where his semen was meant to be going and hitting the poor female in the face with it. Megamind looked up at his friend and saw his own horrified expression mirrored on the fish's face. Minion gently patted his shoulder.

"Good luck sir. Better you than me." He said. Megamind gulped, hoping Roxanne would be happy to wait just a bit longer.


End file.
